Apprenticeship. Long time ago. Floated around different ships a bit.
[ The way it all happened, how it went down — that's a whole story on its own. Wasn't something he was looking to do, just came out of necessity. Only reason he got it in the first place was Erich.
Otherwise, Amos is pretty damn sure he never would have made it off Earth. Would've been eaten up on the streets of Baltimore. ]
[ The mention of Clem doesn't usually evoke a tug of emotion but for some reason it does this time. Maybe it's because there had been too much emotion happening just a week ago. ]
He and my mother were scavengers by trade. No formal training - but you learn.
You grow up like that, it's in your blood. They still around, your parents?
[ He's aware that a question like that could bring up some grief, if they aren't around, if something bad happened to them. But if any of that is true, it already hurts anyway. Might as well know more about each other. ]
[ There's a brief moment where Cassian's fingers hover over the number pads but he forces himself to continue, telling himself that he has no reason to hesitate anymore. ]
My mother passed last year. I was fourteen when my father died.
[ Cassian learned things from them. Doesn't tell him how they were to Cassian, but he's figuring he knows the answer. Why he wants to know, well. It's a life he didn't have, a peek through a door that was always closed to him. He never knew his father. His mother died when he was born.
If he's honest with himself, it ain't just that, though. It's a thing for Amos; if he gives a fuck about you, it means something if other people gave a fuck about you, too. People who should have. ]
[ Loved him enough to recognize when he was in a very bad situation. Loved him enough to save him even though it meant leaving behind Kerri. Loved him enough to give him their last name and raise him like he was their actual son because in the end that's what he was. What he is. ]
They adopted me. I don't remember much of my biological father and mother.
[ In all fairness, Cassian has been learning what that means to him too. How it isn't just something they spin happy stories about, it's complicated and complex and messy in a way that he doesn't want to untangle.
And even here, when he arguably has more time to do so, it's the very last thing he wants to do. ]
[ Jesus. He gets that. Well, he would, if he knew what Cassian was thinking. ]
Nope.
[ He would be fine leaving it that, feeling like that's an answer on its own. But that single word, it's not borne from a bitter feeling. There's no ounce of ill will towards a father he's never known, there's just...nothing at all. He's a faceless, nameless person who existed once, or still exists. Maybe he was a good man, maybe he wasn't.
Amos has no idea why he doesn't know the man, though given his circumstances, he's reasonably sure he was someone who paid to sleep with his mother, who probably never knew he had a son. His mother worked as a prostitute, gave birth to him in a black market clinic. He wasn't supposed to be born — unregistered, hidden away. He offers a little more, though. ]
If he's out there, I don't wish anything bad for him. Maybe he's got a good life. Maybe not. Been so long, it's got nothing to do with me now.
[ Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately if they had their say), topics like that are unlikely to come up naturally if either of them have a say about it.
He quiets though reading the answer to his question about Amos' father. Cassian's own memories of his biological father have become hazy with time. He had been young, Kerri even younger, when they had lost him. In his cloud of anger and grieving after Clem's passing, Cassian couldn't help but wonder if he was the cause of these strings of death.
Even though he knew where to divert his anger, he was still young enough to despair at the thought that he was the reason his parents died. Truthfully, he can't decide if all that feeling is better than ambivalence. Maybe it would be. ]
That's the best outcome.
[ There's a pause as he thinks of Maarva and everyone else that he had come to consider family. ]
[ A couple things run through his mind at the question. Responses he won't offer up easily, like:
They found me. Because they did, because he didn't look, didn't think to want for that, ever. Never having had a family, he never felt the absence of one, either. But Holden, Naomi, Alex — that's what they are, he knows it. He's not sure he fully knew it until Cassian asked, though.
I didn't know I needed one. That stays inside, too. Need still feels — foreign to him, at least in the context of having a family, good friends. He doesn't need, but there's a tug, a pull, a thing that says these are necessary connections.
He could be alone and be okay. But he wouldn't be the guy he is right now, the guy he's been these last few months. He'd be something dark, something monstrous, he thinks. The thing that's held back by good people.
What he finally says in response is so much less than what he could say. ]
[ To be fair, Cassian doesn't expect a novella about Amos' life. Not in general and certainly not over text message. A key part of their friendship thus far has been built on how they can both respect each other's privacy. And while he'll always respect that this feels like they've allowed the other to learn more about themselves.
For a lack of a better word it feels...good. It feels like they trust each other a little more than they did before.
And as silly as it seems, knowing that someone here has his back is more comforting than Amos may know. ]
[ The phrasing is careful, intentional. Amos is very much a 'what happens, will happen, I'm just here' kind of guy. He can't and doesn't stress much about the future, or even the past. He thinks about the moment he's in. When he's in the next moment, that gets all of his focus, and so on. But not before that.
So, he can't say with any certainty they'll all get back to the places they call home. Can't say they won't either. Maybe they're stuck here, maybe that changes. All he knows is where they are now.
Knowing a little more about Cassian like he does now, it's not a glimpse of the man he would have never demanded, he's just not the type. Neither is Cassian. Maybe that's why it just felt natural and easy; no expectations, just — whatever they wanna give and show to each other. Glimpses of each other's pasts; who they are, where they came from, what all of that means to them now. It does build up a level of trust, too, knowing he can be who he is and it's not rejected, it's just understood. ]
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no subject
[ The way it all happened, how it went down — that's a whole story on its own. Wasn't something he was looking to do, just came out of necessity. Only reason he got it in the first place was Erich.
Otherwise, Amos is pretty damn sure he never would have made it off Earth. Would've been eaten up on the streets of Baltimore. ]
You?
no subject
[ The mention of Clem doesn't usually evoke a tug of emotion but for some reason it does this time. Maybe it's because there had been too much emotion happening just a week ago. ]
He and my mother were scavengers by trade. No formal training - but you learn.
no subject
[ He's aware that a question like that could bring up some grief, if they aren't around, if something bad happened to them. But if any of that is true, it already hurts anyway. Might as well know more about each other. ]
no subject
[ There's a brief moment where Cassian's fingers hover over the number pads but he forces himself to continue, telling himself that he has no reason to hesitate anymore. ]
My mother passed last year. I was fourteen when my father died.
no subject
[ Cassian learned things from them. Doesn't tell him how they were to Cassian, but he's figuring he knows the answer. Why he wants to know, well. It's a life he didn't have, a peek through a door that was always closed to him. He never knew his father. His mother died when he was born.
If he's honest with himself, it ain't just that, though. It's a thing for Amos; if he gives a fuck about you, it means something if other people gave a fuck about you, too. People who should have. ]
no subject
[ Loved him enough to recognize when he was in a very bad situation. Loved him enough to save him even though it meant leaving behind Kerri. Loved him enough to give him their last name and raise him like he was their actual son because in the end that's what he was. What he is. ]
They adopted me. I don't remember much of my biological father and mother.
no subject
It means something for anyone, but especially people he knows and gives some fraction of a shit about. ]
I don't either. Mom died when I was born. Dad could be out there alive somewhere. Don't know.
[ And by now, of course, he doesn't much care. He's made his own life. ]
no subject
And even here, when he arguably has more time to do so, it's the very last thing he wants to do. ]
You don't care to find him?
no subject
Nope.
[ He would be fine leaving it that, feeling like that's an answer on its own. But that single word, it's not borne from a bitter feeling. There's no ounce of ill will towards a father he's never known, there's just...nothing at all. He's a faceless, nameless person who existed once, or still exists. Maybe he was a good man, maybe he wasn't.
Amos has no idea why he doesn't know the man, though given his circumstances, he's reasonably sure he was someone who paid to sleep with his mother, who probably never knew he had a son. His mother worked as a prostitute, gave birth to him in a black market clinic. He wasn't supposed to be born — unregistered, hidden away. He offers a little more, though. ]
If he's out there, I don't wish anything bad for him. Maybe he's got a good life. Maybe not. Been so long, it's got nothing to do with me now.
no subject
He quiets though reading the answer to his question about Amos' father. Cassian's own memories of his biological father have become hazy with time. He had been young, Kerri even younger, when they had lost him. In his cloud of anger and grieving after Clem's passing, Cassian couldn't help but wonder if he was the cause of these strings of death.
Even though he knew where to divert his anger, he was still young enough to despair at the thought that he was the reason his parents died. Truthfully, he can't decide if all that feeling is better than ambivalence. Maybe it would be. ]
That's the best outcome.
[ There's a pause as he thinks of Maarva and everyone else that he had come to consider family. ]
Did you come to find other family?
no subject
They found me. Because they did, because he didn't look, didn't think to want for that, ever. Never having had a family, he never felt the absence of one, either. But Holden, Naomi, Alex — that's what they are, he knows it. He's not sure he fully knew it until Cassian asked, though.
I didn't know I needed one. That stays inside, too. Need still feels — foreign to him, at least in the context of having a family, good friends. He doesn't need, but there's a tug, a pull, a thing that says these are necessary connections.
He could be alone and be okay. But he wouldn't be the guy he is right now, the guy he's been these last few months. He'd be something dark, something monstrous, he thinks. The thing that's held back by good people.
What he finally says in response is so much less than what he could say. ]
Yeah. You?
🎀 wrap soon?
For a lack of a better word it feels...good. It feels like they trust each other a little more than they did before.
And as silly as it seems, knowing that someone here has his back is more comforting than Amos may know. ]
Yeah.
They're the reason I need to go home.
🎀 and wrapped!
[ The phrasing is careful, intentional. Amos is very much a 'what happens, will happen, I'm just here' kind of guy. He can't and doesn't stress much about the future, or even the past. He thinks about the moment he's in. When he's in the next moment, that gets all of his focus, and so on. But not before that.
So, he can't say with any certainty they'll all get back to the places they call home. Can't say they won't either. Maybe they're stuck here, maybe that changes. All he knows is where they are now.
Knowing a little more about Cassian like he does now, it's not a glimpse of the man he would have never demanded, he's just not the type. Neither is Cassian. Maybe that's why it just felt natural and easy; no expectations, just — whatever they wanna give and show to each other. Glimpses of each other's pasts; who they are, where they came from, what all of that means to them now. It does build up a level of trust, too, knowing he can be who he is and it's not rejected, it's just understood. ]