[ Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately if they had their say), topics like that are unlikely to come up naturally if either of them have a say about it.
He quiets though reading the answer to his question about Amos' father. Cassian's own memories of his biological father have become hazy with time. He had been young, Kerri even younger, when they had lost him. In his cloud of anger and grieving after Clem's passing, Cassian couldn't help but wonder if he was the cause of these strings of death.
Even though he knew where to divert his anger, he was still young enough to despair at the thought that he was the reason his parents died. Truthfully, he can't decide if all that feeling is better than ambivalence. Maybe it would be. ]
That's the best outcome.
[ There's a pause as he thinks of Maarva and everyone else that he had come to consider family. ]
[ A couple things run through his mind at the question. Responses he won't offer up easily, like:
They found me. Because they did, because he didn't look, didn't think to want for that, ever. Never having had a family, he never felt the absence of one, either. But Holden, Naomi, Alex — that's what they are, he knows it. He's not sure he fully knew it until Cassian asked, though.
I didn't know I needed one. That stays inside, too. Need still feels — foreign to him, at least in the context of having a family, good friends. He doesn't need, but there's a tug, a pull, a thing that says these are necessary connections.
He could be alone and be okay. But he wouldn't be the guy he is right now, the guy he's been these last few months. He'd be something dark, something monstrous, he thinks. The thing that's held back by good people.
What he finally says in response is so much less than what he could say. ]
[ To be fair, Cassian doesn't expect a novella about Amos' life. Not in general and certainly not over text message. A key part of their friendship thus far has been built on how they can both respect each other's privacy. And while he'll always respect that this feels like they've allowed the other to learn more about themselves.
For a lack of a better word it feels...good. It feels like they trust each other a little more than they did before.
And as silly as it seems, knowing that someone here has his back is more comforting than Amos may know. ]
[ The phrasing is careful, intentional. Amos is very much a 'what happens, will happen, I'm just here' kind of guy. He can't and doesn't stress much about the future, or even the past. He thinks about the moment he's in. When he's in the next moment, that gets all of his focus, and so on. But not before that.
So, he can't say with any certainty they'll all get back to the places they call home. Can't say they won't either. Maybe they're stuck here, maybe that changes. All he knows is where they are now.
Knowing a little more about Cassian like he does now, it's not a glimpse of the man he would have never demanded, he's just not the type. Neither is Cassian. Maybe that's why it just felt natural and easy; no expectations, just — whatever they wanna give and show to each other. Glimpses of each other's pasts; who they are, where they came from, what all of that means to them now. It does build up a level of trust, too, knowing he can be who he is and it's not rejected, it's just understood. ]
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no subject
He quiets though reading the answer to his question about Amos' father. Cassian's own memories of his biological father have become hazy with time. He had been young, Kerri even younger, when they had lost him. In his cloud of anger and grieving after Clem's passing, Cassian couldn't help but wonder if he was the cause of these strings of death.
Even though he knew where to divert his anger, he was still young enough to despair at the thought that he was the reason his parents died. Truthfully, he can't decide if all that feeling is better than ambivalence. Maybe it would be. ]
That's the best outcome.
[ There's a pause as he thinks of Maarva and everyone else that he had come to consider family. ]
Did you come to find other family?
no subject
They found me. Because they did, because he didn't look, didn't think to want for that, ever. Never having had a family, he never felt the absence of one, either. But Holden, Naomi, Alex — that's what they are, he knows it. He's not sure he fully knew it until Cassian asked, though.
I didn't know I needed one. That stays inside, too. Need still feels — foreign to him, at least in the context of having a family, good friends. He doesn't need, but there's a tug, a pull, a thing that says these are necessary connections.
He could be alone and be okay. But he wouldn't be the guy he is right now, the guy he's been these last few months. He'd be something dark, something monstrous, he thinks. The thing that's held back by good people.
What he finally says in response is so much less than what he could say. ]
Yeah. You?
🎀 wrap soon?
For a lack of a better word it feels...good. It feels like they trust each other a little more than they did before.
And as silly as it seems, knowing that someone here has his back is more comforting than Amos may know. ]
Yeah.
They're the reason I need to go home.
🎀 and wrapped!
[ The phrasing is careful, intentional. Amos is very much a 'what happens, will happen, I'm just here' kind of guy. He can't and doesn't stress much about the future, or even the past. He thinks about the moment he's in. When he's in the next moment, that gets all of his focus, and so on. But not before that.
So, he can't say with any certainty they'll all get back to the places they call home. Can't say they won't either. Maybe they're stuck here, maybe that changes. All he knows is where they are now.
Knowing a little more about Cassian like he does now, it's not a glimpse of the man he would have never demanded, he's just not the type. Neither is Cassian. Maybe that's why it just felt natural and easy; no expectations, just — whatever they wanna give and show to each other. Glimpses of each other's pasts; who they are, where they came from, what all of that means to them now. It does build up a level of trust, too, knowing he can be who he is and it's not rejected, it's just understood. ]